Last time you cried over something ridiculous?
I cried pretty intensely when I saw Inside Out the other day. My son saw me and started shouting “Are you sad? You’re crying! Why you crying? There’s tears”. Everyone in the cinema could hear him.
Been offered any “helpful” parenting advice by a stranger lately?
Thankfully no. I think this time around I look less petrified and more pissed off, which tends to deter strangers from offering their advice.
If you could go anywhere in the world (kid-free), where would it be?
The toilet. I have big dreams these days.
If I handed you $1000 in cash, what would you buy?
I’d probably book a babysitter and go out for a REALLY nice dinner.
Most useless gift you can buy a new parent?
Anything white or fragile. It will almost certainly end up stained and/or broken.
Hardest food item to clean from clothing/floors/walls?
Weet Bix. Let those dry out on a surface and you might as well light a match and walk away.
Last thing you yelled during a tantrum?
“Santa can see you”. Not a bad threat during the festive season, but a ridiculous one in July.
Which children’s book have you read aloud more than 100 times?
The Very Cranky Bear. Fortunately it’s a cracker of a book so I don’t mind that I can recite this verbatim.
Is there a kid’s TV show you’d happily never watch again?
Pretty much all of them. But the real children’s entertainment hell is found on You Tube. My older son is obsessed with videos of adults unwrapping these giant Play Doh eggs filled with little toys. They are both dreadful and plentiful and the people who make them are probably millionaires.
Something you feed your kids that you know you shouldn’t
Chocolate chips. Like cigarettes in prison, chocolate chips are a currency in my house.
Have you ever bribed your kid? Discuss
Daily. I am actually a big advocate of bribing kids. We have a trampoline because my son finally agreed to start using the toilet and stop wearing nappies. He has some pretty awesome Avengers Toys because he went 30 nights without crawling into our bed at night. Bribery works people.
Something you swore you would never do as a parent, but you’ve let slide now that reality has set in?
So many things. I was an amazing parent before I had kids, I didn’t believe in dummies, television before two, formula. The realities of parenting are pretty humbling. After three nights with a colicky baby I drove around at 3am one morning looking for a service station that sold dummies because I desperately needed the crying to stop. Both my kids have sucked down formula while watching the Wiggles on repeat. I make no apologies.
Would You Rather: Have heartburn the entire way through pregnancy or a newborn who won’t sleep?
I have had both at different times and I would chose heartburn every time. There is so many remedies to help with the heartburn but the sleep deprivation that comes from having a newborn who refuses to sleep can take you to a very dark place. I got a lot of (unsolicited) advice, most of which was completely unhelpful.
What’s the worst place you’ve had to change an explosive poo nappy?
On a long haul flight coming back from a family holiday in Manchester. My husband had gotten quietly shitfaced which I realized about the same time as our ten month old started five hours of chronic diarrhoea. It was a pretty intense few hours.
Finish this sentence:
A good night’s sleep is…completely undervalued by those who get them all the time.
Bonus question: Jimmy Giggle or Eddie Perfect?
Eddie Perfect every time. If in doubt I suggest looking at their respective Instagram accounts (@reezy55 @eddieperfect). Case closed.
If you’d like to Get It Off Your Chest, write to email@example.com and I’ll send you out the questionnaire.