I won an all-expenses paid trip to Thailand. Yes, I know. It’s the most exciting, wonderful thing in the whole world.
Unless you’re leaving the baby behind.
We love her. We truly do. But when both your parents offer to babysit, well… it’s only fair to take them up on the offer. I was totally fine until the dates were confirmed and then I immediately broke out in stress-induced eczema. Everyone keeps telling me to relax because she won’t even know I’m gone. But that’s like telling Beyonce not to be awesome. It’s impossible.
So to help get some of this anxiety off my chest, here’s a glimpse into the types of thoughts running around my tiny mind all day. Welcome to my all-expenses paid nightmare:
- Was my mum serious when she offered to babysit?
- Surely she wasn’t serious?
- *Calls mum for the fifth time that day*
- OK she was serious. And has asked me not to call again.
- Right. So. It’s happening then. We’re officially going on a 5-night holiday without the baby.
- It’s not like I want to go. I won the trip! They’re GIVING IT TO ME FOR FREE! I have to go! It’s in, like, the terms and conditions or something.
- If we don’t go now we’ll never go.
- Maybe we should bring her with us?
- No. I refuse to spend 11 hours on a plane with a toddler. I know what the people behind me will be thinking. I used to be those people.
- It’ll be fine. She will be fine.
- Nope. I’m officially the worst mother in the world. I cannot possibly leave my baby for 6 days.
- Ooh they’ve got a waterslide!
- What happens if I fall asleep on the first day, and don’t wake up until it’s time to check out?
- Actually that would be fine.
- Think of all the books I’ll get to read!
- What will we talk about? I don’t think we’ve had a proper conversation since she was born.
- Hold on. This is ridiculous. I can’t leave the baby. I can’t!
- She’ll be fine. There will be two sets of grandparents stuffing her with more ice cream and biscuits than she can jam into her tiny mouth. She won’t even know we’re gone
- What if everyone thinks I’m a bad mother?
- *Texts everybody in contacts list* “Am I a bad mother?”
- Right. They’ve all asked me to kindly shut up and go enjoy my free holiday.
- Hahaha they’re just jealous. Suckers.
- Ok that was mean. Now I’m definitely going to get diarrhea on the first night.
- Oh my god. I have to go shopping for bathers. That’s it. Trip’s off.
- Quick, how many spin classes can I fit in before we go?
- Thank god for online shopping. I don’t have to try anything on in a hideous, well lit changing room while a thin teenager tell me it’s “really flattering on your tummy!”
- Well these all look horrible. *Shops for kaftans*
- Ooh they have a buffet!
- You were LITERALLY just complaining about the size of your thighs. Forget about the buffet for a minute.
- They have chocolate croissants!
- ENOUGH WITH THE BUFFET!
- The baby is looking at me funny. She knows something is up.
- She already looks sad. What if she thinks I’ve abandoned her?
- I’m going to Skype her every day.
- Maybe I shouldn’t Skype her at all. It might make things worse.
- I’m definitely Skyping her every day.
- We’ll buy her lots of presents to make up for the whole abandonment thing.
- Maybe we should take her with us.
- No, no we discussed this. Besides, I’ll just worry about her falling off the balcony the entire time.
- She’ll be fine.
- I need little nap. I am exhausted from all the stress.
- Gee I could use a holiday….
Feature image c/o damian_p58, Flicker. Body images c/o Kevind Dooley & Innisfree Hotels, Flickr